Sue Marie St. Lee

I’ve been working on my attitude toward life and living, trying to make sense of why I’m still here while one of my sons is deceased. I’ve been driving myself insane, searching here, digging there, talking with this one, crying with that one, even went to a church service to find something – a speck of knowledge which would ‘click’ with my spirit – opening the doors of wisdom where all answers are discovered through tenacious inquiry.

Nothing seemed to help. The knowledge seemed to be hidden in a secluded cavern, never to be found – until I opened my mind’s eye, and there it was, right before me – within me – where it had always been, waiting for me to look within.

A realization flashed the truth that we are all here to live our own lives, on our life’s path, making decisions that steer our own – individual life – we all live our life alone, in the midst of each other. Our paths may intertwine, but never blend into one. Only one life per path.

Somewhere in that realization, and much thought about my surviving sons and their lives, caused me to release myself from the guilt of outliving one of my children. I am on my path. My sons are on their paths. My deceased son walked his path as a good man, father, son, brother and soul. His path reached its end, as all of ours will. He is now, wherever “next” is.

I am still here, and as I revelled in the knowledge within, I went to the patio to take in the beauty of my “church” – the outdoors – nature. While the birds twittered at the feeder, a squirrel spied from the tree trunk to see if I noticed he was about to become a trapeze artist and fling himself onto the bird feeder. I pointed my finger at him and whispered, “no.” I did not want his acrobatics to make such a noise as to frighten away the deer which I had been admiring in the distance – a doe and her two fawns.

Thoughts raced through my mind for the deer’s safety since hunting season has just begun out here. I wondered how I could somehow save them from poachers. Hunting is legal out here, and I don’t want to debate on the ecosystem, but it made me sad to think how one or all of them may be killed during this season.

Quieting those unhappy thoughts, I chose to silence my speculations, and merely feel the beauty of the moment, knowing how privileged I was to live this moment of natural beauty, watching a young mother and her two babes, doing what they do in their natural home.

I am back on track. Truly, I feel this admission deeply. In this moment, this very moment, I am thankful for all with whom my path has ran alongside, intersected, circled, dead-ended, began anew, and intertwined.

Life is good. I’m back on track, and all the stronger for learning and living through this trying time in my life.

Blessings to all who suffer.
I hope you find peace, as I have.

©SueMarieSt.Lee 2016